Top Brass Fashion Scoop Part IV

Tubesox Nation East Bay correspondent Gert Stone sends a chianti-stained Polaroid (it crossed San Francisco Bay in a Venetian gondola) of fourth-generation San Franciscan Larry Baer and brainy, bow-tied William Neukom displaying their varied interests while circumnavigating Lake Merritt in search of a Tommy Toy's after last night's series decider against the A's.

Top Brass Fashion Scoop Part III

Tubesox Nation Washington D.C. correspondent Barry Marion sends a slightly blurry (he was feeling jittery) photo of fourth generation San Franciscan Larry Baer and brainy, bow-tied William Neukom displaying their varied interests while scouring K Street for a Tommy Toy's following the Big Mullet's 300th win over the Nationals.

Big Algo Tweak of the Week

With Albert Pujols and the rest of the hard-slugging, steroid-scorning Cardinals rolling into town and the spring winds blowing reliably out in left, Giants top brass is launching a smarter ticketing program. Keenly aware that the Bondroids are addicted to thunderous moon shots, they've entrusted their new Chief Algorithm Officer with inputing weather service forecasts into the team's super-secret pricing algorithm. After pulling a couple of all-nighters, our brilliant young friend succeeded in tweaking his binary code. At only two additional dollars per 5 mph of wind speed, this "dynamic" pricing package will allow the whole family to enjoy what promises to be an onslaught of jacks, big flies, and dingers at still reasonable prices.

Introducing the Giants New CAO!!!

Leveraging their proximity to Silicon Valley, the Giants ticketing office has hired MLB's first Chief Algorithm Officer. Our brilliant young friend promises to use his super-secret algorithm to help the Giants customize ticketing in ways you never thought possible!

Top Brass Announce No-Zone Discount Ticket Promo

Following on the heels of their altruistic K-Zone promo tying bleacher prices for a future game to strikeouts recorded by all pitchers in a particular game. ($6 bleacher seats to Tuesday's Braves game, while they lasted), Giants top brass have launched a No-Zone promo where future prices fluctuate with the number of walks issued by the Giants staff over nine innings. The first No-Zone game will be the Memorial Day game against the Braves, with all discounts applicable Field Club seats for a September 15 pennant race tilt against the Rockies. With Kid Sanchez averaging four walks over 5 1/3 innings on the season and the Giants bullpen capable of nibbling at the corners with the best of them, bargain hunters should be able to scoop up Field Club seats for the scarcely believable price of $70 or less.

Well-placed sources report that the launch of the promo followed an acrimonious dust-up between fourth generation San Franciscan Larry Baer and brainy, bow-tied William Neukom at Sea-Tac International Navigator's Club. Although Neukom, a former Microsoft exec, is no stranger to corporate generosity, he initially refused to stand for a culture that rewarded failure. But the ever-pragmatic Baer insisted that giving the fans something to cheer about besides the big screen shenanigans was paramount to the Giants mission. Baer's persistence apparently wore down the mentally agile yet older Neukom; as the men were finishing their second highball, sources witnessed them coming to a handshake agreement.

Top Brass Fashion Scoop Part II

Tubesox Nation Northwest correspondent Dick Puget sends a slightly hazy (he smears Vaseline on the lens to flatter his subjects) photo of fourth generation San Franciscan Larry Baer and brainy, bow-tied William Neukom displaying their varied interests while scouring Pike Place Market for a Tommy Toy's after tonight's toughie against the Mariners.

Top Brass Fashion Scoop

Tubesox Nation's Tijuana-San Diego correspondent Sam Ysidro faxes a slightly grainy photo (he carries an East German-issue spy cam) of fourth-generation San Franciscan Larry Baer and brainy, bow-tied William Neukom displaying their varied interests while scouring the Gas Lamp District for a Tommy Toy's after tonight's toughie against the Padres.

Milestone Giveaway Update

With $126 million man Barry Zito notching his 10th career complete game (and first since 2003) tonight at Petco Park, well-placed sources expect Giants top brass and eBay to announce a date for a commemorative four-color souvenir pin day sometime during the coming homestand.

In contrast, although middle reliever Bobby Howry achieved his 150th career "hold" in front of a rapt national television audience on Sunday night, he is still a dozen odd appearances short of the 700 appearances needed to gain membership in the exclusive 700/150 club. But with the Big Mullet and Kid Sanchez struggling and summer's heat soon to take it's toll, look for "Boch" to rely increasingly on Howry's proven ability to eat up innings at the major league level.

Ex-Microsoft Exec's Gaffe Spoils Top Brass Powwow

During a recent Giants management offsite at Tommy Toy's, fourth-generation San Franciscan Larry Baer was visibly chastened when brainy, bow-tied William Neukom shanghaied a break-out session on the codependence of garlic fries and the Giants Fan Experience by bringing up the "undeniable synergy between Windows Vista and Explorer 7.0" yet again.

Giants to Mark Milestones with Four-Color Souvenir Pins

Though Giants top brass flubbed a golden marketing opportunity when Rich Aurilia's 750th career RBI passed without fanfare during Saturday's 9-6 loss to the Mets, Tubesox Nation sources indicate that plans are underfoot to partner with eBay to commemorate the lifetime achievements of several stalwart veterans who are approaching rarefied statistical heights.



Among planned milestone promotions, the Giants and eBay will offer four-color souvenir pins to the first 20,000 fans entering The Big Mortgage following:
-Middle reliever Bobby Howry's induction into the exclusive 700/150 club (700 career appearances, 150 career holds).
-Shortstop Edgar Renteria's 400th career double (398 currently).
-126 million dollar man Barry Zito's 10th career complete game (9 currently).

With Randy Johnson sitting at 298 career victories, the Giants are furiously collaborating with veteran Bangaladeshi sweatshop empresarios to celebrate The Big Mullet's entrance into the elite 300 club, projected to occur in June 2010, with the rollout of a bobblehead sporting an anatomically correct "Livermore neck-warmer."

Spicy Asian Heritage Week Rumor

Attendance at The Big Mortgage continues to do a passable Benjamin Button imitation, steamrolling backwards towards zero. Monday's Indian Heritage Night crowd flirted with the high teens before settling for a new China Basin low of 23,934.
For much of the game, fourth-generation San Franciscan Larry Baer chewed thoughtfully on a cold naan while giving the serious stink-eye to a section of empty seats down the right field line. At one point, Tubesox Nation sources report, the ever-pragmatic Baer was seen leaning closer to brainy, bow-tied William Neukom and mouthing "Three words, Billy. Gandhi fucking bobbleheads."

Giants Ponder Belgian-American Night

Tubesox Nation sources report that Giants top brass is mulling an expansion of their well-received diversity campaign to include a Low Countries Heritage Week culminating in Belgian-American Night. A midweek series during the post-trade deadline "dog days" is said to be the likeliest date. Among other things, the Belgian event will feature Flemish and Walloon sections on opposite sides of the park, a first pitch thrown out by an effeminate EU dignitary, and lax enforcement of the ballpark anti-smoking policy. The sticking point seems to the exact nature of the bobblehead giveaway. Brainy, bow-tied William Neukom favors a cool, understated Jacques Brel, while ever-pragmatic Larry Baer is standing firm on a demographically appropriate Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Billy Ball

Fourth-generation San Franciscan and Giants team president Larry Baer has been overheard referring to managing general partner William Neukom as "Billy." Though Tubesox Nation sources report that the nickname irks the brainy, bow-tied Neukom "to no end," the ever-pragmatic Baer thinks that it makes the former Microsoft exec seem "almost like a baseball man."