tubesox speak, a glossary

ambos: short for ambulatory ticket brokers (see below).

ambulatory ticket brokers: the gentlemen selling tickets outside the ballpark, come rain, or wind, or scalding hot sun. Not to be confused with cyberscalpers (see below).

Baer-Magowan Galleria, il: The clustering of establishments that sprung up like toadstools around the Big Mortgage ca. 2000. The conversation and the au jus are to die for.

Big Algo, The: The Giants' super-secret pricing algorithm. read more

Big Mortgage, The: San Francisco's AT&T Park nee SBC Park nee Pacific Bell Park.

blackjackers: principled members of Tubesox Nation who refuse to purchase MLB merchandise through official channels, buying only black market or second-hand merch.

bootleggers: resourceful members of Tubesox Nation who bring outside food and/or non-alcoholic beverages into games rather than paying extortionate ballpark prices.

boycott: the act of applying direct economic pressure by refusing to pay for certain goods or services; widely considered an outdated practice rendered uneccesary by the triumph of the free market.

contrabandistas: independent-minded members of Tubesox Nation who consume alcohol in bars, parking lots, and on city streets rather than paying extortionate ballpark prices. (see also mules)

cyberscalpers: freebooting online middlemen who facilitate the willy-nilly jacking up of ticket prices, taking a healthy cut while never once looking the customer in the eye.

cycle, the: a trip to the ballpark involving passage down all five branches of the Five-Fold Path. (aka five-bagger)

DOOSH: Dollars Otherwise Offered to Scheming Hucksters; i.e., money spent on the ballgame that did not go to the Giants' coffers (orig. Cockney dosh, money)

Five-Fold Path, The: the Way according to Tubesox Nation. In no particular order, blackjacking, bootlegging, contrabanding, freelancing, and wildcatting.

four-bagger: a trip to the ballpark involving passage down any four branches of the Five-Fold Path (aka going yard)

freelancers: right-thinking members of Tubesox Nation who purchase tickets from ambulatory ticket brokers, rather than paying extortionate prices to management or cyberscalpers.

Improbable March, The: Tubesox Nation's glorious campaign to counter the sickening parsimony of Giants management by stiffing them to the tune of the MLB minimum (Sheffield, anyone?) and beyond.

lemmings: fans who still think nothing of shelling out $50, $100 or more to management, no matter how little the team spends on new players, because "no true fan stops supporting his team." Frequently seen caving in to peer pressure by throwing opposing teams' home run balls back on the field rather than giving them to a kid (see also lemmos).

lemmos: short for lemmings (see above).

merch: short for merchandise.

mules: slang for contrabandistas.

one-bagger: a trip to the ballpark involving passage down any single branch of the Five-Fold Path (aka playing a little bingo)

Party Line, The: the Giants' staggeringly high POFT is okey-dokey since "they need to pay off their mortgage" because they "built the ballpark without anyone's help." A tried-and-true favorite of the lemmos.

POFT: acronym for "Pricing to On-Field Talent" ratio.

pteros: old-timers who, on a good day, are capable of remembering at least three of the following: beer vendors in the stands, cigar smoking in the stands, organ music, crockpot-shaped stadiums, AstroTurf, bleacher tickets selling for south of $5. Frequently belong to Tubesox Nation, although they don't know it and wouldn't care anyhow.

"support the team, stiff the management": Tubesox Nation's all-purpose credo, rallying cry, and barstool rant.

Tubesox Nation: the righteous community of Americans dedicated to reclaiming the right of the common man (and woman) to sit in a decent seat and watch their favorite baseball team a few times a year without taking out a second subprime mortgage; regularly follow one or more disciplines of The Five-Fold Path to hit management right where it hurts.

three-bagger: a trip to the ballpark involving passage down any three branches of the Five-Fold Path (aka Sam Crawford or tweener)

two-bagger: a trip to the ballpark involving passage down any two branches of the Five-Fold Path (aka Tris Speaker or tweener)

wi-fites: spectators who spend games glued to their phone or PDA, keeping up-to-date on what's going on in the real world while pretty much missing everything that happens on the field. Frequently found patronizing eastablishments in Baer-Magowan Galleria post game, breaking down their latest twitter uploads over hibiscus cocktails.

wildcatters: intrepid members of Tubesox Nation who refuse to pay extortionate prices to park in stadium lots, instead choosing to walk, bike or take public transport to games or, if driving*, parking on city streets.

*note: Tubesox Nation wholly endorses walking, biking, or taking public transport to games.

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